You can't ask God for something, I mean like REALLY ask, and only meet the Divine creator halfway. I'm going to just do a thing I haven't done in while and just write. Get everything in my head, on to "paper" and hopefully it makes sense laid before my eyes.
Procrastination is a Motherfucker.
I meant to write this post at the beginning of 2019. It was going to be a whole "New Year! New Me Thing!" However, 2019 did not start off anywhere on how I would have liked it. I mean that quite literally. Based on how my New Years Eve started, the moment that clock stroked 12 I made a deal with myself. I'm living my life with intention and happiness. I need to do what makes me happy at the end of the day.
I will be true to my thoughts, my intentions, and how I plan on manifesting them. I wrote a GPS (pretty much a vision board made into book form) of where I wanted my year to go. It lists my goals for the year and how I plan on taking action by the month to accomplish these set achievements. It was a mix of "goals" intermingled with how I was going to get there.
Why did I place the quotation marks around the word goals? Well, it's because I learned the other night (quite literally 02/20/2019) some of my goals listed are vanity goals. We can get into what a vanity goal in a later post and how I plan on correcting my thought process for 2019.
So far we have had 53 days in 2019 and each one of them has been more dramatic than the last one. I have no idea what's going on this year, but it feels like we entered into some crazy realm of where EVERYONE is doing the absolute most. Lately, I have felt like I am just a passenger on an emotional rollercoaster.
I'm over this and I'm getting off.
I can no longer be a spectator in my own life. I have absolutely no desire to be taken for a ride that I never asked to be on in the first place. I have mentally challenged myself to get out from where I'm at and live my life how I want to see it.
2019 IS THE YEAR OF CHANGE & SACRIFICE
Less than month of existing in 2019 the world has been crazy. When the Virgo Supermoon entered at zero degrees on the 21st of of February all it did was escalate the extremities in the world. It seems like everyone was effected simultaneously. Virgo did not come to take names. Since she's not playing around, nor am I. Today I'm going to discuss some changes that I'm planning on making for 2019. Hopefully, these changes help me for the rest of my life.
THINGS I'M CHANGING
Saying Goodbye to Self Doubt
Not comparing myself to others
NO MORE COMFORT ZONE
Inserting myself out the drama and focusing on me:
Placing all my Energy into my Business
Not Taking the Journey for Granted
Placing my All into EVERYTHING I do while I'm a part of the conversation
Saying Goodbye to Self Doubt
I'm not doing this shit anymore. I'm no longer going to live a life where every day I get up and I doubt every single thing that I do. I can no longer sit at my desk and hyperventilate into a bag scared that one day someone is going to find out I'm some sort of fraud and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing at my desk.
This week I woke up with the IDGAF mentality. So much has changed at work and I needed to change as well. I no longer wanted to pretend I had it all together. I don't. I was suffering in my own thoughts and challenges. This was causing me to be ineffective in my role.
In a meeting with some major heads of our department, I just came out with it. I told my CFO that I have no idea what in the world you want from my role or from me. I had to say this. I could no longer be shackled to my own insecurities.
Do you know what I learned from that meeting?
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE DOING!
I couldn't help but to fucking laugh.
Why did it take me, one of the youngest people on the team, to speak up? Once I finally admitted it, a whole avalanche of confessions from the rest of the group came up and I felt so damned relieved.
A friend of mine who owns a local bakery said something to me one day that has always stuck in my mind. When you are truthful with what's really going on with you and you express that honestly, the world will reward you with getting to where you need to be. There are people out there who are willing to help you. You just need to let them know you are suffocating in a pool of your own thoughts.
If anyone were to ask you if I was insecure... shit if I were to ask that of myself... I would have answered, without hesitation, "NO". Being insecure is not limited to physical looks. It includes how we view life and the people that come in and out of it. However, in those moments leading up to finally being honest with myself and my team, I was insecure. I was scared of what this team, some of the most intelligent people in my company, would think of me if I admitted that I, in fact, did not have it together.
I am happy that I chose my sanity over my insecurity. I am so happy that I spoke up for myself. I think in that move I was breaking one of the generational curses of my family. I was showing humility and asking for help.
One of the clear lessons of 2019 will be about speaking up for yourself and removing your ego from the end result. I honestly no longer give a fuck about what people think about me. What I have seen more recently in meetings with some of the highest people in the company is that they freely admit when they don't know something. They say it out loud. They admit it with no ego. Then they will conclude the statement, "I need someone smarter than me to figure this out." It totally dawned on me that, while a lot of these people may have multiple degrees and accolades, that only means so much in the totality of success.
Having a doctorate in something doesn't mean you're the smartest or the most accomplished. It means that you put in the fucking work. These people got into these positions, not because they were the most intelligent, but because they knew how to use the people around them to place them in those positions. Yes, education helps as well but let's be honest, most of the world's most famous CEOS and business people don't have degrees. What they had was a drive.
I can't get to where I need to be driving in circles in my own head. For the -next 7-10 days I'm going to still be Korin... but the version who is truthful with my intentions and what I do and do not know. I can't wait to blog about this and report back to you guys.
NOT COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS
Since I'm living in the IDGAF world and really expressing who I am and what my thoughts are, I feel safe admitting a guarded fact to everyone ready this post. I have a bad fucking tendency to compare myself to others. Yes, I encourage others not to do this, but it's one of the hardest things NOT to do. Again, this all goes back to the ego.
I fall into the trap of romanticizing the life of other boudoir photographers. Ones, unlike me, who work on their craft full time. Not having a 9-5 allows these photographers to flourish and work on personal projects. In turn, making them even better photographers and business people. The ones that make $8.7 gazillion dollars a year. The ones who I see are consistently becoming better because they have the time, type of business, and work life I aspire to have.
However, I know that there are a number of things that go along with what I can't see in those pictures. (1) The hard work it took to get there, and (2) not everything is what it seems in their real lives.
What would it really look like if pulled back the curtain? I don't know. However, their journey is not my journey. I'm not sure what their personal life is like at home. I don't know what personal struggles they are going through and not announcing. I'm making false assumptions about the happiness of people I know nothing about based off an Instagram feed of beautiful curated photos and stories they have created.
Don't get me wrong. All things considered, I love my life. I really love my life. However, I need to fall back in love with the process. I'm so fixated on the result and not what's going to take me to get there. I need to show more gratitude.
Yes, this may be my ego speaking right now, but since I'm on that IDGAF tip I'm going to say it. I have all the potential in the world to be just as amazing if not be even more extraordinary, and so do you. I have no desire to limit my potential because of my own self inflected ego.
GETTING OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE
Getting out of my head naturally means one thing, to get the fuck out of my comfort zone. I had fallen into something so mentally unhealthy. I was accustomed to being angry and bitter about my place and position in the world. I began just being bitter and maybe a lowkey hater. Since I'm being transparent, this (is it jealousy?) did not end at boudoir photographers. This was anyone living their full and authentic life without permission from anyone. I was so envious of the risk takers. Why couldn't I do that?
I was comparing my life to people I grew up with. Pre-Myspace and Facebook once you left, your hometown, college, or an old job you would probably never see that person again. However, the internet has changed the whole damn game. Watching my friends flourish was causing me to be jealous. I would see my friends start these amazing companies that really felt like they were just taking off overnight. One friend has a blooming internet company where people just flock to them. Another friend started their own firm. This is why I felt kind of conflicted with my feelings. While it was inspiring to watch that person build up their firm I couldn't help but feel an inclining to jealousy. Not because I wasn't happy for them... but upset at myself for not doing something incredible like that.
Why was I jealous? Because they were taking a chance on themselves. I had watched the process, the dedication, their post, spoken to some of them on the phone about their own insecurities. However, no matter which route any one of them took one of the major themes was them jumping off the ledge and taking a risk on themselves. While the pressure is on to have their companies to be successful, they are happy because they fell in love with the determination of living a life they gave themselves. They no longer wanted to be on anyone's time but their own.
I had one friend sleep on the floor of their other friend's house with nothing but a laptop, notebook, and determination. Now this person travels the world and makes and an unbelievable amount of money a month. But most importantly, happy. Another friend who gave up their engineering job they strived so hard to get to start a bakery. Someone whose own mother didn't have their back. This person ran through their entire savings and had to move back home. However, 2.5 years of sacrifice was worth it because now they are one of the most sought after pastry chefs in a major city. Another friend who, put their head down in the books moved back home, studied to pass state examines while his other friends pointed out all his failures. Instead of helping this person, they gossiped about the failures. Nonetheless, this person really showed everyone one of those "friends" up but creating a dream life and business. not only did this shut the haters up, now all those people want to stand up next to their accomplishments.
Each one of these examples is a person who got out of their comfort zone and gave a middle finger to the people around. They gave up their ego and stuck to the plan. Now they each have an amazing business they created. They dreamed and sculpted their own lives. They are the boss. They are employing others. They are making major changes in the world... all because they got out of their own way.
INSERTING MYSELF OUT OF DRAMA
The one thing about corporate America that anyone can quickly fall victim to office drama. Let's not end the drama at just the office. We are inundated with so much drama in the world. Office drama, political drama, shit even social media drama. I mean, there is no reason why I should know that Khloe Kardashian has dropped her baby daddy Tristian Thompson and Jordyn Woods (who is basically the adopted little sister of the Kardashian family) because Tristian and Jordyn were (allegedly) caught canoodling at a private party held Tristan's house. Why do I know this?! Why do I know all these peoples names?! Why do I even care?!
If you allow it, the drama will take up so much of your energy and time. Also, being in the middle of drama makes you look bad as a person. It makes you look like the person who can't be trusted. Therefore I am no longer taking part of the bullshit.
PLACING ALL MY ENERGY IN THE BUSINESS
In 2019 you are going to see a change in everything about the business. However, I don't want to talk about it now as I haven't finished the timelines on everything. Just know that a year from now life will feel and look different. I can't wait to show you guys what it is. Most of will benefit the customers. These changes are stemming from building my business the way that works for me and the lifestyle I plan to create for myself. I think you guys are going to really appreciate what's to come next.
NOT TAKING THIS JOURNEY FOR GRANTED
I can no longer take this journey called life for granted. Am I doing as much as I could be? No, because I have made excuse after excuse after excuse. The fact of the matter is I could be doing more. There are people in this world who have a fuck ton more problems, issues, obligations and still find time to accomplish personal goals and grow their business. I can do the same.
I have spent too much time complaining about what hasn't worked, but I haven't even put a quarter of the effort into making could work, work. I had to self-audit myself and the reasons why life wasn't going according to plan. I found that I was making the unconscious decision not to make it work.
Example: I still work full time. When I come home I'm mad tired.
Solution: Eat, watch one show, work on anything from my business two hours straight.
Solution: Be in bed by 10 PM to get up early and work on business for 2-3 hours before work.
You can accomplish most desires if you make them a priority. If this is what you really want you will stop at nothing to make this happen.
PUTTING MY ALL INTO EVERYTHING
One must place their absolute all into everything they do. If I want people to take me seriously, my work ethics has to reflect that. No one wants to work with someone who really doesn't care about what's actually happening. Half ass work gives you half ass results. Occasionally, I have a bad tendency just to do something to say I did it. Had I placed a bit more effort into what I was doing imagine how much more epic the results would have been... or where they would have to lead me. When people see how incredible your work is they are more willing to come back and recommend you to others.
With that being said, I will start placing realistic levels of expectation of what I deliver. This is meant both from a business, personal, and work /life standpoint.
I also plan to set limits with people. I find myself wanting to please everyone while sacrificing my own sanity. If I truly want to deliver a level of quality and excellence to everyone I have to audit my own life and delivery on what I can and build up from there.
I have to really place my all into these goals I have listed above and really break down the goals in the GPS I created for 2019. I want to really make this work, but the only way it honestly is if I do the work.
I AM READY TO BE HAPPY
I'm satisfied, but I want to be HAPPY. I want to wake up excited about the day. I want to really establish a business that allows me the opportunity to build more businesses. Even if things don't go according to my plan, I just want to be 92 years old and happy that I took the chance on me. I know myself. I will never be dissatisfied if I know I really put the effort in. I mean REALLY put the effort into the journey called life.
I believe writing this all out and placing it on this website that I love so much is telling the universe that I'm truly ready and committed to this new journey. These are my intentions. What I manifest mind will come to fruition.
I know it's February 23, 2019... but Happy Fucking New Year Y'all. Let's own 2019!